I wanted a snack this afternoon, so I went to the vending machine. My normal purchase is the trail mix, the kind with sunflower seeds, almonds, raisins, and peanuts. A perfect snack. When I went to the machine, the vendor had restocked with one yogurt trail mix in front of the regular variety. Thanks for nothing.

Not wanting to spend 80 cents just to spend another 80 cents, I opted not to buy both. Instead, I spent the 80 cents on a Hostess Lemon Fruit Pie. I knew I wouldn't eat it because of the eggs or milk or whatever it would inevitably have in it. It was a curiousity purchase to learn the ingredients, an investment in knowledge. Now I know that Hostess bakes beef fat into their Lemon Fruit Pie.

My name isn't Joey Tribiani, so you won't hear me say "What’s not to like? Custard? Good. Jam? Good. Meat? Gooooood."