We passed the Celebrity Commencement Speech Parade™ with little trouble. However, given the current political climate, some people felt compelled to use graduation for their own purposes. At George Washington University, President Stephen Trachtenberg entertained the gathered graduates with his Shecky Greene impersonation. Near the end of the commencement ceremony, he instructed the graduates:

"If anybody has a mortarboard, you can move your tassels from right to left, right to left, which is what I hope happened to your politics in the last four years," he said.

I don't want to make more of that than was really there. He went for the chuckle factor and got it from some. Political humor is fine, but it needs to be delivered in the right context. If it becomes the point of the speech, it's inexcusable.

E.L. Doctorow offered his commencement speech at Hofstra University on Sunday and received boos from the crowd for the political nature of the speech. He ventured to explain to the graduates that "simply because something was said by authority did not mean it shouldn't be questioned. I think it was entirely appropriate." His attempt failed because the truth he tried to impart was specific instead of general. His truth supported the stories instead of the stories supporting his truth. His explanation was a cop-out to excuse the fact that he made the speech about his agenda rather than what the graduates needed to hear to guide them into the future:

Of the response he received at the university, Doctorow said, "I thought we were all supposed to speak out? Isn't that what this country is about?"

Yes, this wonderful country is built around people speaking out. But the point of the speech should've been to encourage students to speak out for their beliefs, not an opportunity for Mr. Doctorow to speak out about his beliefs. This is a situation where leading by example is incorrect.

Better yet, my personal experience ws my undergraduate commencement from Virginia Tech on May 13, 1995. I'd worked 4 years to earn my degree. I'd paid my own way. Being at a major university, I hoped for someone of at least minor significance. Like other people I know, I can fall into moments of star-fucking. I didn't expect Bill Clinton, Helen Hunt, or Kurt Vonnegut. My entire senior year, I waited with giddy anticipation.

In late April 1995, I learned that Virginia's Secretary of Education, Beverly H. Sgro, would be the commencement speaker. I was disappointed, but not horribly shocked. I knew enough to know that sometimes the point of dreams is to temporarily enjoy the fantasy. I wondered what canned commencement speech she might offer, but assumed it would be passable since she'd been dean of students until January 1994.

"Since Dr. Sgro has worked so closely with so many students, we thought it appropriate that she address her students and wish them well on their way into their chosen careers," said [former] President Paul Torgersen.

How was I to know that it would be the worst possible speech anyone could offer? She spoke for 20 minutes, of which 19 minutes and 53 seconds contained a political commercial for then-Governor George Allen and his education agenda. She informed us that we should be thankful for Governor Allen's reforms because he'd increased education spending in Virginia by $73 million. That would've been wonderful news, however inappropriate for a commencement speech, if it had been the direct truth. Unfortunately, as far back as I can remember, I've been able to read, which is a wonderful skill when I have a newspaper in front of me. By doing that, I discovered that the net effect of Governor Allen's plan was a $73 million increase. The impact to Virginia Tech was different, since Governor Allen pulled $21 million from Virginia Tech to re-direct it to his alma mater as part of his plan.

I didn't applaud.

My friend Will got to enjoy former President George Bush at his William & Mary commencement a few days later. Since then, William & Mary hasn't changed it's tradition of attracting legitimate commencement speakers. This year's speaker was Jon Stewart. His speech is a prime example of how to give a proper commencement address: relevant, entertaining, and insightful. I'd like to quote his speech in its entirety, but it's longer than would be reasonable to quote here. Read the complete speech; it's worth the time.

Relevant:

I know there were some parents that were concerned about my speech here tonight, and I want to assure you that you will not hear any language that is not common at, say, a dock workers union meeting, or Tourrett’s convention, or profanity seminar. Rest assured.

Entertaining:

Lets talk about the real world for a moment. We had been discussing it earlier, and I…I wanted to bring this up to you earlier about the real world, and this is I guess as good a time as any. I don’t really know to put this, so I’ll be blunt. We broke it.

Please don’t be mad. I know we were supposed to bequeath to the next generation a world better than the one we were handed. So, sorry.

I don’t know if you’ve been following the news lately, but it just kinda got away from us. Somewhere between the gold rush of easy internet profits and an arrogant sense of endless empire, we heard kind of a pinging noise, and uh, then the damn thing just died on us. So I apologize.

But here’s the good news. You fix this thing, you’re the next greatest generation, people. You do this—and I believe you can—you win this war on terror, and Tom Brokaw’s kissing your ass from here to Tikrit, let me tell ya. And even if you don’t, you’re not gonna have much trouble surpassing my generation. If you end up getting your picture taken next to a naked guy pile of enemy prisoners and don’t give the thumbs up you’ve outdid us.

Insightful:

When I left William & Mary I was shell-shocked. Because when you’re in college it’s very clear what you have to do to succeed. And I imagine here everybody knows exactly the number of credits they needed to graduate, where they had to buckle down, which introductory psychology class would pad out the schedule. You knew what you had to do to get to this college and to graduate from it. But the unfortunate, yet truly exciting thing about your life, is that there is no core curriculum. The entire place is an elective. The paths are infinite and the results uncertain. And it can be maddening to those that go here, especially here, because your strength has always been achievement. So if there’s any real advice I can give you it’s this.

College is something you complete. Life is something you experience. So don’t worry about your grade, or the results or success. Success is defined in myriad ways, and you will find it, and people will no longer be grading you, but it will come from your own internal sense of decency which I imagine, after going through the program here, is quite strong…although I’m sure downloading illegal files…but, nah, that’s a different story.

Love what you do. Get good at it. Competence is a rare commodity in this day and age. And let the chips fall where they may.

That's the way to give a commencement address. Know your audience. They worked hard for many years to get one day of ceremony that will stand as the exclamation point on that experience. They'll remember you so send them on to the next phase of their lives well.