« July 2004 | Main | September 2004 »

August 30, 2004

I'm not a little kid anymore!

I need to buy some finger paint for my nephew.Yesterday, Danielle and I were in "The Teacher Store". Why it's called that is obvious, but that's not its name. It's Hammett. While browsing, I came across the true joy of The Teacher Store: finger paint. I know kids love to use their hands and get dirty and let their imagination run wild, but perhaps a little more thought should be put into the marketing because, as much as kids like to use their hands, they're usually using their hands to put things in their mouths. That's why finger paint shouldn't look like peanut butter and jelly.

I'm sure Danielle won't put it next to the paste.

August 29, 2004

Blow the whistle, not the game.

Last night's game was disappointing, but tremendous fun. There were Hokies everywhere. The atmosphere was lit up, just like the fans. We didn't win, but we showed that we're a better team than most people believed. Today, that is some consolation.

There are two quotes that explain the game better than I can:

"You can't blame the officials," [Coach Frank] Beamer said. "I thought it was kind of questionable. I thought it was a great play."

When the officials call the game the way they did, it's reasonable to blame them, but it's not a complete explanation. This is the final piece:

"They played like the number one team in America in the sense that they capitalized on every mistake we made," tailback Justin Hamilton said.

Turnovers or penalties, it didn't matter. When we made a mistake, we paid for it. Usually we paid in points, but we always paid in some way detrimental. Against great teams, that leads to losing. Last night we didn't have the killer instinct and USC did.

I still wore a Virginia Tech t-shirt today. Go Hokies!

August 28, 2004

Hokie football is back!

Now that the Phillies have nose-dived into oblivion, I'm turning my attention to football. Today, specifically, is about Hokies football. Tonight we kick off the college football season against #1-ranked USC.

I have no prediction for this game, but I'd like to consider one important point. USC is 2,700 miles away from Jack Kent Cooke Stadium. Blacksburg is 270 miles away. I wonder how that will impact the ratio of Hokies to Trojans among the 90,000+ fans expected to attend? Hmmm...

While we all ponder the glory that will be Virginia Tech football in 2004, I'll fade out with Tech Triumph:

Tech Triumph

Techmen, we're Techmen, with spirit true and faithful,
Backing up our teams with hopes undying;
Techmen, Oh Techmen, we're out to win today,
Showing "pep" and life with which we're trying;
V.P., old V.P., you know our hearts are with you
In our luck which never seems to die;
Win or lose, we'll greet you with a glad returning,
You're the pride of V.P.I.

Chorus:
Just watch our men so big and active
Support the Orange and Maroon. Let's go Techs.
We know our ends and backs are stronger,
With winning hopes, we fear defeat no longer.
To see our team plow through the line, boys,
Determined now to win or die:
So give a Hokie, Hokie, Hokie Hi,
Rae, Ri, old V.P.I.

Go Hokies!

August 26, 2004

Because Golden Retrievers aren't delicate

Tomorrow I have a team lunch with my fellow computer-programming nerds. This is typically an anticipated joy for most working stiffs, but not me. I hate them. First, I'm asocial. I scrub-up well, but that doesn't mean I want to hang around with people. I'm a solitary creature more often than not, so team lunches mean the nightmare that is the group outing.

That would be survivable except for problem number two. I'm always singled out as the difficult person because I'm a vegan. Ignore that I understand how distinct my dietary habits make me and that I adapt to each new menu. I accept that I'll have the pasta or the pasta at most restaurants, but that doesn't prevent others from placing upon me the challenge of finding a lunch spot for the group. I would enjoy that if my choice of Indian didn't get nixed immediately every time. Picking without being able to pick is stupid but that's what happens. Since I have a team lunch tomorrow, it happened again.

"I" ended up choosing a mexican restaurant since I can get veggie fajitas. Except I can't. The menu doesn't list veggie fajitas as an option. It seems that uppity, chic restaurants believe that the hip urbanite likes to shove dead animals down his throat, but only when it's covered with cheese. Vegans are those disgusting leeches on society who want to save all the trees and hate capitalism. So I'll adapt.

However... I have to worry about a restaurant that includes chihuahua cheese on its menu. I don't know what chihuahua cheese is, but I can't imagine anyone wanting it. To understand, I had to look it up. According to the Food Network, chihuahua cheese is "see asadero". What? If it's called asadero, why not put asadero on the menu instead of chihuahua cheese? Since that didn't answer my question, I clicked over to asadero.

Definition: [ah-sah-DEH-roh] A white cow's-milk cheese of Mexican origin that's available in braids, balls or rounds. Asadero, which means "roaster" or "broiler," has good melting properties and becomes softly stringy when heated--very similar to an unaged monterey jack cheese. Other names for this cheese are Chihuahua and Oaxaca. See also cheese.

Note to all chefs: say what you mean and mean what you say. Why do you have so many names for the same cheese? A rose by any other name...

That doesn't help me decide what I'm going to have for lunch on Friday, but it does raise another thought. Recently, Paris Hilton's chihuahua was missing for a week. Which poor chef had the task of milking Tinkerbell?

August 25, 2004

When good shoes go bad

After the entry I wrote on Monday about Jessica Simpson's hideous version of "Angels", I assumed that I'd be safe from more horror for at least a few weeks. Not so. I read this article and nearly cried. Celebrities get a ton of free stuff because kids tend to buy the same brands that celebrities enjoy. If Converse applies this theory and sends a pair of "Peace Chucks" to Jessica Simpson, we're screwed. Written on the toes of the shoes are the words "Imagine All The People Living Life In Peace".

I speak on behalf of the world when I beg of Converse, please don't send her a pair. She can't be trusted to respect the lyrics. I'm telling you in advance, she just can't. Please.

It's a Zen thing, like how many babies fit in a tire.

Last night, Danielle and I watched the first episode of season 1 of Curb Your Enthusiasm. I rented it from Netflix around the same time I rented Purple Rain, so I definitely needed to watch it. Wasting money renting movies I don't watch is stupid. So we watched it last night.

Our goal was to enjoy it. If it was good, we'd stick it out and rent more episodes. That was the plan, but the first episode didn't live up to its hype. Fifteen minutes in, neither of us cared enough to continue. It made us laugh a couple of times, but only random laughs. The show seems to be more about presenting a joke, then presenting another, without the comedic hilarity of situational buildup. Take away the bluster and it's simple. The show didn't grab us and refuse to let go. If the creators can't hook me with the first episode, I'm not going to bother with more.

Throughout the first episode, I thought the show failed because it didn't make me care about it. That's true, but too shallow. It didn't make me care because the show wasn't honest with me. Improv is good comedy, but it has to be honest. The actors must play it straight or the gimmick fails. Curb Your Enthusiasm felt as if the actors' egos couldn't wait to get confirmation that they were funny and brilliant and hilarious and brilliant. They were too needy.

For an example of how the improv process should be done, they should've rented Waiting for Guffman. As Corky St. Clair, Christopher Guest is honest with the audience. He is Corky. He embraces Corky's exuberance over community theater. He makes Corky's story about his wife Bonnie believable. As the viewer, I trust that the residents of Blaine are sincere in their acceptance of Bonnie's existence. I care whether or not Mr. Guffman will appear at "Red, White, and Blaine", even though I know he will not. Literally and figuratively, Corky dances as if no one was watching.

Corky St. Clair is Corky, not Christopher Guest as Corky. That's what every actor must strive for in his performance. Where Waiting for Guffman succeeds in treating its pact with the audience with proper respect, Curb Your Enthusiasm fails to honor its pact. Perhaps it tried to write a different pact, but I don't think so. When the actors ooze superiority, that creepy expectation that the audience should be honored to be in the vicinity of their genius, involvement in the farce isn't possible. Fiction is illusion, not lies. Where Waiting for Guffman is magic, Curb Your Enthusiasm is a con.

August 24, 2004

Like a fine wine, wait 20 years, then enjoy

On June 16th, I requested Purple Rain from Netflix. Danielle and I watched it last night, more than two months after it arrived in my mailbox and it was worth the wait.

Who knew that Apollonia could demonstrate the multitude of subtle variations on the standard smile, that simple exercise of facial muscle that burdens mere mortals? Who knew that an earring could have so much symbolism? Who knew that Prince falls asleep in the exact spot where anything dramatical has just happened to him? I'll tell you. You knew, because you've probably seen it. Me? I'm 20 years late to the party, but what a glorious party it is.

I'm delirious that I saw Purple Rain at 31 instead of 11. Last night, I was nostalgic enough for 1984 to enjoy the movie but smart enough to know how bad it is. Terrible acting, a ridiculous plot made worse by sloppy editing, and an oiled-up Prince aren't a good mix. Throw in nasty fish-kissing between Prince and Apollonia and the result is cinematic disaster.

I know that a lifetime of looking at Apollonia's many smiles is worth any obstacle, but winning her would mean listening to Apollonia 6 and having to say "That's fantastic" without breaking into wailing sobs. That isn't possible. Granted, without that struggle, Purple Rain wouldn't be nearly the movie that it became, but since the writer did nothing to make a strong movie, other than letting Prince create the soundtrack, I say "so what"?

At 11 years old, I wouldn't have known that. At 31, I can appreciate the relation it has to its era. (When did the 80's become an era?) Knowing that the movie would be horrible made it fun to watch. As a corollary from On Becoming A Novelist, John Gardner writes about bad fiction and the writer's response:

The kind of fiction that makes good writers cross is not really bad fiction. Most writers will occasionally glance through a comic book or a western, even a nurse novel if they find it at the doctor's office, and finish the thing with no hard feelings. ... What makes them angry is bad "good" fiction...

As bad as it is, Purple Rain is good "bad" fiction. I can revel in that when I watch in that context. Enjoying it doesn't mean I long to imitate its dialogue or editing or that I will accept that in every movie I watch. Low-brow is better than uni-brow.

One despair remains, though. I fear I may never be able to listen to the Purple Rain soundtrack again without imagining the fictitious cinematic stories behind the songs. But I still love the 80's in an excessive, criminal manner.

August 23, 2004

That's why England is better than America

Robbie Williams. If I mention him to people, odds are good that I'll get a blank stare. But if I say Jessica Simpson, even a 2-year-old will know who I'm talking about. Outrageous, if you please.

Why do I mention this? Because Jessica Simpson's singing is proof that Satan exists. How else could she get a recording contract with so little talent? Because I didn't care, this didn't occur to me until I heard the singles for her new album. The first song was forgettable, since I can't remember the title and can't be bothered to look it up. I know the video had rampant hilarity as she poked fun at her "stupid" image, but it doesn't matter. Her songs after that first single are the problem.

Her remake of "Take My Breath Away" annoyed me. Considering that Mrs. Lachey has none of the range of Terri Nunn, someone should've taken the microphone away from her when she hinted at singing that classic. I imagine the producer commanding her to "Emote. Emote. Emote!" during that recording session, but the important lesson that her fans need to learn is simple: screaming does not equal emotion. So I said "Ugh".

That "ugh" was a minor whimper compared to the violent tantrum of obscenities I spewed when I heard single #3, the current release from her latest album. Not only has she botched an 80's classic from my youth, she's butchered a new 90's classic from my early adulthood. She covered the brilliant Robbie Williams song "Angels". When I write "covered", I mean "tortured the life out of it".

When will the madness end? When will the talented musicians be popular? Every parent who has purchased her new album for their kid(s) should be sent to remedial parenting classes as punishment. Allowing a child to believe that Jessica Simpson is talented because she made an album is equivalent to teaching a child that placing her hand in fire is good because it leaves a cool scar or that not stabbing himself while running with scissors is the entrance exam to Harvard. It's a fucking travesty. I pray she never finds the lyrics to "Imagine".

August 22, 2004

17 years? How can it be 17 years?

Today is the 17th anniversary of the first Major League Baseball game I attended, an epic battle between the bottom-feeding Pittsburgh Pirates and the bottom-feeding Atlanta Braves. I was excited at the time because I finally saw Dale Murphy play in a game that counted. I'd seen him play in exhibition games in Richmond, but that wasn't the real thing. So I was excited.

I was also excited to see Tom Glavine pitch that day. He'd made his major league debut on August 17th, a game he lost to Houston in the Astrodome. When the game started, I thought maybe, just maybe, he could win his first major league game, the very game I was attending. Nine innings later, Jim Acker threw the last pitch to finish off Glavine's first win. That was cool.

With 258 additional wins since August 22, 1987, Tom Glavine is still pitching, putting the final touches on his Hall of Fame resumé. On the day he is inducted, I'll tell the nearest snot-nosed, unappreciative kid who lacks a sense of history that I saw Glavine's first win. That kid won't care, but I'll enjoy being the grumpy curmudgeon. I may even mumble. If I were that guy today, I'd probably mumble that I can't believe it was 17 years ago.

No one cares about this but me

John Kruk wrote a column for ESPN's Page 2 in which he mentioned the main challenge for the Phillies:

The Phillies? They don't rip anyone's heart out. They never go for the jugular. As a result, they aren't feared by anyone. So when they take the field against the Marlins, the Brewers or the Rockies -- everyone thinks they have a chance to win.

I agree with that. As a Phillies phan, I've seen this in action over the last few years. The talent has been there, but the desire to do whatever it takes to win is non-existent in the Phillies.

In the spring of 2003, Bowa proposed using Abreu as his leadoff hitter. I've never been a huge Bowa fan, but I always felt that idea was brilliant. Abreu does everything a leadoff should do at the plate. He's agressive but willing to work a count and take a walk. He hits for average and steals bases when he gets on. His power is a bonus for Abreu. His homers are more accident than effort because he's a hitter, not a slugger.

Bowa knows this and realized that Abreu could set a great tone for the lineup. Abreu vetoed it because it would hurt his production. I don't believe he was worried about his numbers, as much as he felt that he could be the impact guy to drive in runs for the team. That's a great thought, which has validity, but what if there are no runners on because the 1 and 2 guys aren't up to the task? Rollins has become a better leadoff hitter, but he still swings for the fences too much and isn't patient when necessary.

The best contrast to the current Phillies team is Lenny Dykstra. The Dude could work a count at the beginning of a game to let the rest of the lineup see the pitcher's repetoire. He forced the game to conform to his intention. Think back to the '93 NLCS. He dominated that series against the more talented Braves. His team wasn't supposed to be there, but he wanted it. When the game was on the line, he "went for the jugular". And with Dykstra, the Phillies knew they were never out of a game.

The current version of the Phillies don't have that and, until they get it, they won't win according to the expectations of their talent.

August 19, 2004

Defy logic: smack yourself in the face

What better way exists to jump into year 2 than with a continuation of old themes? But maybe with a different twist...

Reading this article, I'm amused that the same-sex marriage debate continues in Massachusetts. I'm not surprised; it's a contentious issue that will be with us for years. What amuses me is that there are supporters of the same-sex marriage movement who are so stupid as to be damaging to the cause.

Eight non-resident couples filed suit in a Massachusetts state court to block enforcement of a 1913 law that prohibits out-of-state couples from marrying if the marriage would violate their home state's law. The judge upheld the law. Consider:

In a ruling handed down Wednesday, Superior Court Judge Carol Ball said the law is being applied equally to all nonresidents. For instance, it has been used to stop marriages of couples who didn't meet their states' age requirement for marriage.

"Clerks were instructed to do so for all couples and all impediments, not just for same-sex couples," Ball wrote.

It's no surprise to anyone that I think this law is ridiculous. Massachusetts wrote the law to prevent mixed-race marriage at the turn of the 20th century. (I believe I remember that correctly from my earlier research.) It's now being enforced specifically to prevent same-sex marriages, which is abysmal social policy. However, it's the law, it's constitutional, and if it's enforced against every couple affected, whether heterosexual or not, then there is no basis to the argument on a legal basis. More from the article:

Ball said Massachusetts has a rational reason to ensure that marriages it approves have validity in other states. However, she also said she sympathized with the plaintiffs and was "troubled" by the state's decision to suddenly begin enforcing the 91-year-old law.

Marriage is a state issue and this law serves a legitimate state interest, so this legal challenge is misguided. Since these plaintiffs are ignoring the obvious tactic of allowing Massachusetts to absorb the "impact" of same-sex marriage as a reality, with the associated realization that its society will not crumble, I will do the same for my argument. The correct challenge to this law is to find a case or multiple cases where this law is not applied to heterosexual couples. For instance, if a couple is too young in their home state but Massachusetts marries them, then there is a real argument of discrimination, of unequal enforcement of the law. Even if the example the plaintiffs find is Massachusetts violating an obscure law in another state, it's a better tactic than what they're now using.

Or, they could move to Massachusetts.

August 16, 2004

Celebrating one year of words

That title feels pretentious to me, at first thought, because I don't wish to imply that I'm celebrating anything more than words. One year ago, I began RollingDoughnut.com with a simple paragraph:

This is my first entry. This will be immortalized forever as the first entry in which I say nothing important. Absolutely nothing.

I don't claim anything more than the words. There were no giant leaps in literature, no spectacular, life-altering speeches. Not even brilliant words, most of them. Just words. But I wrote 83,203 of them in the last 366 days.

What those words have done, though, is more important. They've taught me how to write. They haven't completed my education, as if that's possible. I can't foresee a day in which words are effortless, but I can imagine one in which the struggle to string them together is joy. I've inched closer to that ideal thanks to the words posted for nothing more than my desire to write.

My biggest surprise over the last year is how those words have also taught me what I believe, as well as helping me to discover new beliefs I didn't know I possessed. I started RollingDoughnut.com to write. I didn't know what I wanted to write about, but I knew I needed to join the parade of bloggers. As I've mentioned a few times, I want to be a professional writer but I caved to fear too many times in my past. I envisioned this blog as writing without a goal that could kick start me towards writing with a goal. I could post random details about my daily life and practice my narrative techniques, but I got bored with this idea before I started doing it regularly. I realized that my daily life isn't that fascinating. Going to work and reading magazines is poor fodder for most narratives.

What RollingDoughnut.com has become is different and more interesting than that. My ranting commentary on random events started in August with Escalators Are Not Hard To Use. I began to enjoy the ranting posts when I wrote my second, I Am Not Dennis Hopper. The words flowed easier because I cared about expressing my opinion. When writing, I've learned to chase the joy.

September was a wash because I was delirious from sleeplessness. I worked more than 300 hours that month, so my coherent thoughts declined rapidly until the return of Alias. I did enjoy a hurricane, though.

I only posted twice in October. For the first half of the month, I was using my stored vacation from September. The rest of the month I lacked the inclination because the desire to write hadn't taken over.

It didn't take over again in November. I participated in NaNoWriMo 2003, so that captured most of my writing energy. I was also un-staffed in my old job, so motivation to be productive was low. I was burnt out on thinking. And I caught the Tono in Las Vegas.

In December, I posted a few times about whatever was on my mind, from Kurt Vonnegut to the earthquake in Virginia. Then I went to Atlanta. As a lifelong Dale Murphy fan, I had to post about this. Reliving My Dale Murphy Childhood was the turning point of my RollingDoughnut.com motivation. I didn't know if I could write a nostalgic travelogue. Trying was fun.

In January I discovered the beauty of skiing. I wrote what was supposed to be the complete recap, but it became part one of five. I took me more than a month to finish and ended at more than 8,700 words, but it was a great challenge.

February was the beginning of the free speech and marriage equality posts. These themes continued, flowing through March and into April. (They still catch my attention).

In April I began to write about the 2004 Presidential Election. I got trapped in my bathroom again. I also wrote about Lemonade Stories, a film by Mary Mazzio about extraordinary entrepreneurs and their mothers. From that post, I received a copy of Lemonade Stories. After I watched it in May, I wrote my first movie review.

May also saw the beginnings of cicada infestation in the Washington, DC area. I discovered the evils of the cicada in my backyard and my refrigerator. Some of those cicadas may have eaten three commuters' brains.

June was highlighted by "It's not anymore the two-ply." Despite having other posts, June didn't need others to be complete. Thank you, Governor Schwarzenegger.

In July I had fun with Senator Allen. I also wrote my second movie review., which was considerable fun to write. And lest anyone forget, I celebrated my birthday. Ending July, I prepared for Vegas and my rendezvous with Wil Wheaton. When I returned in August, I wrote about it here, as well as meeting Flash Gordon.

Flash Gordon capped the year at 199 posts. Reminiscing has been fun for me because I've been able to see the changes and growth in my writing over the last year. If nothing else, I have a large body of words to remember. 83,203 words are enough to fill a novel.

I was hesitant before starting RollingDoughnut.com and didn't know what to expect when I began writing blog entries. I recently discovered that the act of writing for its own sake can bring unexpected surprises. When I wrote my review of Lemonade Stories, I intended to alert as many people as possible to watch a worthy film. What I received was an outcome I never could've dreamed about: I was quoted in the film reviews section of the Lemonade Stories site, ABOVE the viewer feedback. My name doesn't appear on a movie poster, but I'm quoted with writers from USA Today, NPR, The Boston Globe, and Fast Company.

One year ago, that would've seemed illogical, but there it is. And I realized that I like seeing my name in "print". Not for my ego, because I could satisfy that with a vanity press. I like it in the same way that a carpenter likes his furniture. It's not for recognition, money, or any other extraneous goal. I'm proud of my execution of the craft. For at least one moment I can call myself a writer and know that it's true.

August 13, 2004

I met the savior

On November 24, 1980, I was 7-years-old. To a 7-year-old, the universe is microscopic, but unbeknownst to me, that universe was under attack.

Planet Mongo Emperor Ming the Merciless thought nothing of obliterating Earth if we Earthlings didn't subjugate ourselves to his power. Lesser mortals would certainly cave to fear, but, to the benefit of all Earthlings, Flash Gordon was no mere mortal. Dr. Hans Zarkov blasted himself, Flash and Dale Arden into outer space to escape the unnatural disasters pounding Earth. Dr. Zarkov knew these were a sign of Earth's impending doom. Once in space, they sped their way into the path of Mongo and the influence of Emperor Ming.

With the help of Dr. Zarkov, Dale Arden, Ming's daughter Aura, Prince Barin, and Prince Voltan, Flash Gordon defeated Emperor Ming in a decisive final confrontation. He saved every one of us.

Even though I've given you the ending, I won't ruin the details for you. It's all told in glorious detail in dramatized film of Flash Gordon's exploits, appropriately titled Flash Gordon. I recommend it, since the history books have forgotten what every Gen-X adult knows to be reality. I watched Flash Gordon every time it was on HBO when I was a kid. It was awesome every time.

At the Star Trek convention, Danielle and I walked around the dealer auditorium to discover the commercialism behind the adventure. During our lap around the room, we saw the celebrities signing autographs. One of these celebrities, certainly bigger than all the rest, was Sam J. Jones. I had one thought: "Sweet Jesus, it's Flash Gordon!"

Danielle asked me if I wanted to meet him then. No, no I didn't. I would be a tad too fan-girlie, so I needed time to compose myself. We would come back after Wil Wheaton's book reading.

After meeting Wil Wheaton, it was time to meet Flash Gordon, or I'd never have the courage to do it. We walked to his table. Step. And step. And step. The anticipation was sweet agony.

We made it to the table, but he wasn't there! Oh, shit. I'd missed my chance. But his stuff was still here, he couldn't be gone. We looked around.

Whew, there he was. We waited. He saw us standing at his table, so he walked over.

"Hi, I'm Sam Jones, nice to meet you." He stuck out his hand. I grabbed it.

Holy fucking shit, I'm shaking Flash Gordon's hand!

I introduced myself. When I'm star-struck, I'm a little stupid, so I introduced myself with a full-name introduction.

After a few pleasantries, I asked how much for an autograph. Nothing is free at a convention, but I knew that, which made it not tacky. There were two levels to the pricing structure: picture or poster. The picture was half the price of the poster, but I had to have the Super-Fine-Deluxe poster. It was Flash Gordon.

I handed over my money. He signed the poster, adding a nice touch to his autograph by signing his "real" name above his name. See for yourself.

Then he made me a deal. Since I bought the poster, he would buy the giant sleeve for the poster. In any other situation, this would be bizarre and shameless, but at a Star Trek convention, it was appropriate. He pointed Danielle and me in the direction of the dealer selling the giant sleeves. The dealer tables were placed close together, making it hard to decipher which table he meant. He realized this, so he walked us over there.

Holy fucking shit, Flash Gordon is our tour guide through the auditorium!

He bought me the sleeve and thanked me again. Then he was gone. Too soon, our Flash Gordon adventure was over, but we learned something along the way: Flash Gordon can still motor. What else should I have expected, though? He saved the universe.

Friday the 13th... Oooooooh

As I walked through the metal detector at work, my briefcase rolled through the x-ray machine. As it came through, I noticed a sign I'd never seen before: "Do not touch revolving belt."

"Why not," I thought. I picked up my briefcase and touched the revolving belt. Nothing happened.

The Man™ can try, but he can't keep me down.

August 12, 2004

Get Your Geek On

From the moment Danielle and I landed at McCarran Airport, getting to the Las Vegas Hilton was our sole focus.

<begin tedious details here>

- We picked up the rental car.
- We navigated through Las Vegas lunch hour traffic.
- We avoided random traffic cones in the street that served no apparent purpose.
- We parked in the free garage at the Hilton.
- We meandered through the Hilton casino looking for the Star Trek convention.
- We Danielle asked for guidance from a quaint security guard who pointed us to the convention area.

<end tedious details here>

At 12:15pm we arrived at the Will Call window table in front of the dealer auditorium. After some brief information gathering, we figured out that we hadn't missed the Wil Wheaton autograph session. We didn't yet know when it would be, but we hadn't missed it. One step at a time.

Looking through the program, we discovered that the schedule included Wil Wheaton's book reading at 1pm. His improv group, Earnest Borg 9, would perform at 6:40pm, forty minutes after the scheduled end of festivities.

Since we had more than forty minutes before the reading, we circled the dealer auditorium to learn what kind of crap memorabilia was for sale. We saw little of interest, with the limited array of oddball items available. It was just Star Trek figures, t-shirts, videos, and pictures. Our senses were overloaded, so we weren't scanning closely enough to find the hidden gems.

The multitude of autograph tables with unrecognizable celebrities did catch our attention. Most of these people seemed to be no-name, B-list stars, but in the Star Trek universe, they were Big™. Even if Big™ is defined as Alien #3 in any random episode, Star Trek actor is never a small role. Strange.

(I was excited to see one particular star, one not named Wil Wheaton. More in my next post...)

Realizing that we wished to get good seats, we left the dealer auditorium to seek out the room for Wil Wheaton's book reading. We found this quickly, but it was occupied by an appraiser who determines the value of Star Trek memorabilia. Think Star Trek Antiques Roadshow. With thirty minutes to go until 1:00, we picked seats near the front and waited. I don't wish to give the impression that the appraiser was boring, because he wasn't, but we were restless. We had no Star Trek memorabilia to sell, so we just wanted some Wheaton.

We got the brilliant idea to seek out the Photo-Op with Wil Wheaton in the dealer auditorium. We had some time to kill and pictures would be cool. We journeyed back. After some head-scratching, misguided navigation, we found the booth and got in line. Within a couple of minutes, a volunteer let us know that only one actor was taking photos at the time. It wasn't Wil Wheaton.

Twenty minutes to go, so we had to hustle. When we got back to the correct auditorium, more people had filled the seats. Worst of all, the front row was packed. We were bummed that our plan had backfired on both fronts, but we gambled and lost. Vegas, baby, Vegas.

At one o'clock, the moderator thanked the appraiser and led into his Wil Wheaton introduction. He then pointed and asked Wil to come up front. He'd been sitting in the audience all along. Doh!

He bantered, then read from Just A Geek and Dancing Barefoot. We laughed. Even though I'd read all the stories, he entertained me. Hearing him read his stories is the same as hearing David Sedaris read his work. The words are great written on the page, but reading them aloud infuses them with their full spectrum of life. I can't wait for the unabridged audiobook. (Here's a picture from the reading.)

Brent Spiner's speech was scheduled to begin at 2:00 in another room and that was fast approaching. A steady stream of people had begun to leave the book reading for that already. I like Brent Spiner's work, but even if I wasn't at the convention specifically for Wil Wheaton, the reading was too good to think of leaving. Since many other people were enthralled enough not to leave, we had a surprise guest. From WWdN:

My performance from Just A Geek and Dancing Barefoot was awesome! The room was almost full, and I felt like the audience was "with me" the entire time. Near the end of my time, Brent Spiner walked into the room, and told me, in front of everyone, that he'd read Dancing Barefoot "cover to cover," and that he liked it! Then he told me to wrap it up, so "these people can come over and listen to me talk." It was really funny, and really cool.

Two pictures I took are here and here.

At the end of the reading, he announced that he'd be in the dealer auditorium to sign autographs, which was our cue to run, don't walk to his booth.

Ok, so we walked. We were semi-self-respecting adults conforming ourselves to public standards. Besides, we had to look cool since Wil was behind us. He probably didn't notice us, but he certainly would've noticed if we ran to the auditorium like a couple of dumbasses. So we walked.

While he settled into his booth, greeting people he knew along the way and chatting with his wife, we waited. When I meet celebrities, I hate to be anything other than last in line. I get self-conscious and would rather not have the added pressure of people behind me, waiting for my brain to snap back on its hinges. If we didn't have a tight time window with just enough time to check in at New York, New York and munch at Gonzalez Y Gonzalez, I would've snuck my way to the back of the line. Instead, we waited in the middle, in the order that we arrived. This was ideal, I realized, because I had time to "prepare" my comments without over-rehearsing. Who knew?

The moment arrived. We focused on Wil and stepped to the table with autograph tickets in hand. "Do we give these to you," I said.

"Yes," he said. "What would you like me to sign?"

He had pictures available, which were included in the price of the autograph (I think). He also had books available for sale, so Danielle bought a copy. Having already purchased mine, I handed it to him.

"Did you buy this in a bookstore?"

"Yes."

He looked at me, stood up, and stuck out his hand. "I want to shake your hand. Thank you so much for buying my book in a real bookstore. That's so cool."

Not being a published author, it struck me as quaint that a person buying your book in a store would be so shocking. When I imagine myself in his situation, as someone "washed up" in his first profession, who has found his next passion, it made sense. I liked him more than I did when we arrived in Vegas.

I began to tell him how I've never seen Star Trek and the rest of the story about my original impression of him. I got through my being from Virginia and that I knew an extra on Toy Soldiers. When I mentioned the title of the movie, a pained look comes over his face.

"I was an asshole to your friend, wasn't I?"

"I believe the word he used was 'dick'," I said.

"Tell your friend I'm so sorry."

Danielle speaks. "How old were you when you made that film?" I know the answer to this, only because Wil is 11½ months older than I am. That's simple math for me.

"I was 18. I was a bit of an asshole to everyone at that age."

"You were a teenager, that's what teenagers do," she said.

"I know, but tell your friend that I'm so sorry."

"We were really just high school friends," I said. I followed with the shortened version of the remaining details about how I became a Wil Wheaton reader. Anne Wheaton walked to the table and sat down next to Wil.

"Anne, this is Danielle and Tony. They came all the way from Virginia."

She looked at us and smiled. She seemed a little timid about his enthusiasm, which we suspect is due to the crazy Star Trek stalker factor. A logical and valid concern.

She wrote a few posts for WWdN that I thought were excellent, so I compliment her on her writing ability.

"Oh, but it takes me 50 times longer to write than Wil," she said.

"It doesn't matter how long it takes. You write well and that's the key."

"Thank you."

Our time was up (which is why I like being in the back of the line... more time to stare at the celebrity), so we thanked Wil one more time and walked away.

As I'd learned from his writing and acting, Wil Wheaton is funny. He's a great writer and performer. When I meet celebrities with sketchy reputations, I'm always apprehensive because I don't want to be disappointed. Wil Wheaton did not disappoint. He exceeded my expectations. I'm happy to report that Wil Wheaton is cool.