At halftime of the Redskins game, I checked my e-mail, unexpectedly finding this e-mail waiting in my inbox:

asshole

You know, obviously you don't have children. Otherwise, you would know that as a first time parent, the pain that they feel is most definately your own. In your blog, a comment was made, Thank God they had a girl regarding Mr. and Mrs. Forry. I am Mrs. Forry that was mentioned. When you get pregnant, after infertility, and are on the surgery table experiencing a c-section because your baby wouldn't be born vaginally, and are having other complications, then you call me and let me know what your first thoughts are as you are expecting one gender only to be told you had the opposite. Then you let me know exactly what is going through your mind. I hope it's a coherant thought.. one that is not ridiculed on the world wide internet. God forbid.

Thank you,
Mrs. Forry!

Her name sounded familiar, but I couldn't remember exactly what I might've said that was so objectionable. I reviewed my archives and found the offending post from November. Consider:

This article presents a story about a couple expecting their first child. A sonogram revealed that their baby would be a boy, but she delivered a girl. The story proceeds to detail the reality that sonograms are not 100 percent accurate. I'm not going to dwell on that further because it's boring. I'd rather present this reaction from the parents.

“Our first thought is: We don’t have to go through circumcision,” Alicia Forry said.

Here are two ideas for Mr. and Mrs. Forry. First, they don't go through circumcision as the parents. Their baby would have, but only if she'd been unfortunate enough to be born with a penis. Because he is a she, she got lucky. Second, their hypothetical boy didn't "have" to go through circumcision. Presumably, she and her husband would choose to have a son circumcised, but they're allowed to say "no" to the surgery.

But thank God Mr. and Mrs. Forry had a girl. I wouldn't want them to feel bad.

I've spent the last few days thinking about a response. I still don't think my original entry was objectionable in the way Mrs. Forry clearly perceives it. Desiring a thoughtful, respectful response, I sent this today:

Mrs. Forry,

Seeing the subject of your e-mail, I assume you were offended by my blog entry. However, I'm afraid that your criticism mostly ignores what I wrote and attacks me for something else entirely. No matter, in defending what I wrote, I will also defend what I did not write. It has some relevance to what I tried to convey.

You are correct; I have no children. But to say that I can't understand that "the pain that they feel is most definitely your own" goes against logic. I can imagine, despite not yet having children of my own, what seeing a child in pain might be like. Inflicting that pain through a decision, or non-decision as I pointed out, is unfathomable. It's precisely for that reason why I commented on your quote in the linked news article. As a male circumcised as an infant, without my consent, I'm as qualified to discuss that issue as you are to discuss infertility and difficult child birth.

Now, a question for you: did you and your husband discuss circumcision for your child before delivery, when you still thought she was a boy? This is relevant because, while my girlfriend and I haven't had children yet, we've discussed the issue and are already in agreement that it's a barbaric, misguided surgery inflicted needlessly upon infant males. We're in agreement. What I gathered from your quote (“Our first thought is: We don’t have to go through circumcision,”) was that you'd made the decision to have your son circumcised, but you wouldn't have been happy about that decision. Is that correct? If so, why would you do circumcise your son if you felt conflicted about it? There would definitely be painful for the boy, as well as having an irrevocable effect on a son's genitalia. That doesn't make sense to me. Although I do not doubt that you'd feel the pain with him, the result for him lasts a lifetime. Even after the initial pain dissipates. If he decides he doesn't like it, he can do nothing to change the effects of your decision.

So, while we seem to be different in our approach there, we're not that far apart in our situation. Should my girlfriend and I decide to have children, we'll face the same fight against infertility that you and your husband faced. There will be medical intervention, drugs, and time. And patience. I understand more than you think, which is why I'm no closer to understanding your circumcision comment I referred to above. I say this with no judgment and without malice, but I can't comprehend how anyone who fights so hard for a child would, upon being given such a gift, immediately allow a doctor to remove a portion of his genitalia for any reason not related to an immediate medical indication. (Cleanliness, prevention of STDs and UTIs, and "looking like dad" are not medical indications.) It takes only a bit of research and common sense to understand how ridiculous it is that we regard the genitalia of girls as untouchable, by law (Female Genital Mutilation Act of 1995), but the genitalia of boys may be surgically altered for any reason. It's hypocritical, flawed reasoning.

I hope this has provided some insight. If you're interested in replying, I'm willing to discuss this further. I can even point you to specific blog entries of mine, as well as research and news articles, which support my underlying point. If you wish to present me with facts and opinions, I'll consider them honestly. The choice is yours.

Tony

Opinions?