I am not Dennis Hopper

Tonight, as I waited for the Orange Line train to arrive, a train arrived with its lights off and its sign reading “No Passengers”. After it pulled up to the platform, the train operator said the following over the speaker: “This train is out of service. Please do not attempt to board the train.”

There are two fundamental assumptions with this statement. The first is that I’m stupid. I see the train has no lights, and I can read the sign that states “No Passengers”. Since I’m willing to concede that the Metro has blind riders and illiterate riders, I let this one slide.

The next assumption is that I will attempt to board the train. Miss Train Conductor, you never opened the doors. How am I supposed to board this train? I am not going to cling furiously to the side or ride on top of the roof. I saw Speed, so I know what happens when somebody rides on top of the subway train.

In my 30+ years of life, I’ve also learned that I can’t teleport. It’s sad, I know, but it’s a fact. My brain, as tired as it may be from work-induced apathy, does not suspect that I can teleport onto the train. It’s smart like that, applying lessons learned over the years.

Thus, I correctly assume that I will not be boarding this train. But thank you for helping the blind passengers.

Escalators are not hard to use

I live in the Washington, DC metro area. We’re importing idiots by the millions. I’ll give an example of my biggest DC pet peeve.
I hate people who don’t know how to use an escalator. These idiots walk up to the escalator, put their hand on the moving rail, look down, see the steps moving, then nearly fall over because their hand is moving.
It’s not hard, people. Pay attention. Here’s the instructions: walk onto it like it’s the sidewalk. It’ll do the rest because technology is great.
I also want to offer an honorable mention to the people who walk up the escalator to the top, then stop walking before it ends so that their slow brain can process how to get off the wild ride. You people are the best.

Grading on a curve

I once scored a 16 on a test in freshman Chemistry in college. The dumb freshman chemistry, the one for business majors. Not the one for engineers. Here’s the course description:

“1016: INTRODUCTION TO CHEMISTRY – For students enrolled in curricula other than science or engineering. Chemical principles applied to material, environmental, and life sciences.”

If I’d scored a 20, I’d have passed. But I didn’t because I answered the question “On your honor, did you attend the optional lecture discussed in class?” Like a dope, I said no. The prof subtracted 4 points. He was an ass.