Category: Business

Does that come with a samosa?

On Sunday, I finally decided that I needed a new toy. Being impatient when it comes to getting new toys, I logged onto Dell.com to find out when I could expect it to arrive. Dell surprised me when my order number returned a status of “No order was found that met the search criteria”. My first reaction was amazement and I was all “Whaaaaaaaaat?” I retyped my order number and customer number, thinking I’d made an error, but I hadn’t. I got the same result.

I tried again on Tuesday and received the same error. I checked the status of the credit card transaction and Dell had definitely taken the money from my account. I was concerned, so I called Dell’s customer support. After navigating through the menu system, a woman’s voice told me that Dell had no record of my order number, but if I’d placed my order in the last 24-48 hours, it might appear online or in the automated service. I grumbled but accepted that because I fit (barely) into the 48 hour window. I waited.

Yesterday, I checked online again and received the same “No order was found that met the search criteria” message. I didn’t think Dell was just going to steal my money, so I called for an explanation. After navigating through the now tedious menu system (note to Dell: when I push the button for order status, I do NOT want to be rerouted to K-12 sales), a woman put me on hold while she directed me to the right destination.

Eight minutes later, I arrived in that destination, which turned out to be India. I have little problem with outsourcing jobs because I believe that, although there are economic swings to each extreme, capitalism works effectively to restore equilibrium. Outsourcing will not be the death of the free market. However, that telephone call sounded as though the customer service representative and I were holding tin cans with a thin thread stuck through the bottom of each can. I made that call on December 8, 2004. (It was December 9, 2004 in India, which means I called the future. Time machine!) No business call should sound like that. I intend to give that call a 1 on the 1 to 9 scale when Dell asks me to fill out a survey. Behold the corrective power of the free market.

P.S. She found my order and gave me the details, but she couldn’t resolve the reason why my order was non-existent on the web and the automated phone system. Alright, so that’s not entirely true, since she did offer a theory. I quote: “It was probably just some error on your part.” I smacked my head and said “why didn’t I think of that?”

Fifteen by February

Infinity Broadcasting’s Chief Operating Officer, Joel Hollander, made some interesting comments yesterday concerning Howard Stern’s impending (if 12 months away can be considered impending) move to Sirius Satellite Radio. Consider:

“If you give me a check for about $100 million, I’ll take him off tomorrow,” Hollander said. “I certainly don’t love the fact that he’s on the air talking about satellite radio. But it is overblown, in fairness to him.”

To an extent, I agree with him. Allowing Howard Stern to talk about the move isn’t great for Infinity, but people are listening and ratings translate to advertising dollars. I’ve read rumblings that Sirius and Infinity may strike a deal to release Howard Stern from his contract, but I doubt it. There’s too much money to make in the next year before he moves to Sirius, which means twelve more months of status quo.

That doesn’t mean the Mr. Hollander is smart. Aside from the fact that Infinity stations air commercials for XM during such high profile shows as The Don and Mike Show, which is like Coke allowing Pepsi to pay to have its logo displayed on every can of Coca-Cola, Mr. Hollander sounds a lot like cable television skeptics from the early 1980’s who questioned whether or not people would pay for television when they could get the networks for free. Five hundred channels later, the argument is ridiculous. Consider:

Brought in last year to turn the Viacom unit’s lagging revenue growth around, Hollander expressed respectful skepticism about Sirius, and satellite radio in general. He said the rise of both XM and Sirius shares is the result of “irrational exuberance.”

Satellite radio is a viable business, according to Hollander. “I just think it’s a boutique business; I don’t think it’s a mass appeal business.

“And that’s why I think people are going to come back to [traditional] radio. It’s survived every new technology advance of the last 50 years. It’s not going away. It’s still a $20 billion business. And the irrational exuberance is that there’s [sic] 290 million people that [sic] listen to radio every day in the United States, and [satellite radio has] 4 million subscribers.”

Terrestrial radio is free and abundant, but there’s a flaw in Mr. Hollander’s argument. Terrestrial radio sucks. Now that I have Sirius in my car, I never listen to regular radio (aside from Don and Mike and Howard Stern). Every radio station I hear has the same characteristic flaws: repetition, commercials, and annoying DJs. I want music or talk, not both at the same time. When I want music, I want to hear a variety of songs, including songs I’ve never heard. What terrestrial radio gives is the same rotation of Jessica Simpson and Usher. When I want talk, I want uncensored (though not “blue” for the sake of being “blue”) talk. What terrestrial radio gives is lame-ass family-friendly noise.

Terrestrial radio is virtually useless to me because it lives by the mentality of the target audience, the holy grail of free entertainment. But I don’t care about demographics. I’m a 31-year-old male with a girlfriend who isn’t inflatable and a real job that doesn’t require me to say “Thank you, drive thru“, yet I rationally worked out a plan to fly to England for a weekend to see Busted perform in London. (Which didn’t work out because of that stupid real job. Damn you, Responsibility!) The only way I’m a typical listener is that I’m not a typical person.

Sirius doesn’t focus its playlist based on my demographic because, rather than chasing me with what some poll tells them I want, they let me find the playlist I want on any of the dozens of music stations. In my unscientific survey, which means I asked everyone I know who subscribes to satellite radio, no one who tries satellite radio is willing to give it up. To every person I ask, not one of them can imagine going back to terrestrial radio. I pay my $12.95 every month and that’s all the proof they need that they’re doing something right. Terrestrial radio would play some Busted for me, but not before trying to sell me a black mini-skirt, a tube of glitter-filled body spray, and the latest Orlando Bloom movie. Where’s the mystery?

Funny is so easy, a child could do it

I recently wrote an entry about Audible.com using ads mocking John Kerry to promote its ListenBeforeYouVote.com site, a site that exists as little more than a redirect to the main Audible.com site. I complained about how vehemently opposed to it I was. As I mentioned in that entry, I wrote to Audible.com and received the following reply:

I will bring this to the attention of my supervisors. I looked at the link but could not find what you are refering to, but whomever made the page must know somthing about it. I personally do not consider that fair if they are singling out one canidate or the other, and im (sic) sure it was not our intent to do so. Please eccept (sic) my appologies (sic) on behalf of audible, i (sic) will deffenetly (sic) have someone look at this issue. Thank You!

I thought that might be the end, but it’s not. As I said in that entry…

I don’t know if I’d feel the same way if the only ad was the “George W. Bush is an idiot” version, but I only have the information at hand, which mocks the candidate I support. I hope I’d feel the same way if the reverse had been true. I suspect I’d disagree with the marketing plan but wouldn’t be as upset about the sentiment since it matches my own. That doesn’t make it smart.

That’s about right. I found the Cheney ad on a site that has a more liberal bent, so it’s obvious that Audible.com is targeting the assumed readership of specific sites. Since I don’t stick with just my own opinion, I found both. I don’t know if I’m a rare person who comes across that or not, but it doesn’t change how vile and stupid I think the strategy is. Just as with the Kerry ad, portraying Bush supporters as “closed-minded, reactionary war-mongers” is unfair and untrue.

I’m not as angered by the Cheney ad, but I think that’s because the two ads are different in one fundamental way. Since the Cheney ad is cartoonish, the context implies a marketing tone rather than a mocking tone. Perhaps I’m clouded in my judgement, but that’s my view. I still think the ads are despicable.

(For more perspective, consider these ads featuring Hillary Clinton being elistist and
Ann Coulter fighting Al Franken.)

Paint your yellow spot?

What is the Oral-B&#174 Rembrandt&#174 Whitening Pen? I saw this advertised in a magazine and felt compelled to look it up online. On that front, consider it a marketing success. On the logic scale, consider it a miserable failure. Why would anyone paint their teeth to make them white?

I brush my teeth every day. Wouldn’t it make more sense to brush with a whitening toothpaste? Somehow it seems easier for me to combine both into one simple activity than to require two steps to achieve the same result. Whitening toothpaste is like the genius of including a gun in the barrel of a walking stick. Sure I’d primarily use the cane for extra stability, but if I’m ever attacked by a monkey, I’d be prepared to whip some ass.

I digress… Browsing the website, I did ask myself what are the advantages of the Oral-B&#174 Rembrandt&#174 Whitening Pen? Here are the Oral-B&#174 marketing points:

Product Features:
+ Whitens while you sleep
+ All-in-one gel and applicator
+ Wide, sponge tip for quick application to all teeth
+ Quick-dry formula with no messy dripping
+ Enamel-safe
+ Fresh mint taste

I’m sold, but at $12.99, I have to look for another alternative. I’m going with the $4.98 pack of 2 Bic&#174 Wite-Out&#174 Exact Liner Correction Film/Pens. Now, if Bic&#174 would just put it out in bubblegum flavor, my teeth will be whiter than any fence Tom Sawyer could paint.

Agree with us and the debate is unbiased

Browsing Andrew Sullivan’s blog this morning, I decided to finally click one of his ads to see what it was. The specific ad I chose was for ListenBeforeYouVote.com. As you can see, the ad features John Kerry in a goofy pose with the tag line “He’s tall. He’s scary. He flip flops. Yeah, he’s an idiot.”, so I assumed it that the website sponsor would be some ridiculous, partisan hack who had an agenda othe than debating issues on merit. Every time I assume, I remember why it’s not a great idea. The truth here was worse than that. ListenBeforeYouVote.com turned out to be a ruse to ultimately redirect and attract new subscribers to Audible.com.

Is this a partisan ad?Last month, I rejoined Audible.com after an extended absence. I like the underlying concept and was ready to download new audiobooks to add to my collection. One of the most interesting aspects is the ability to download convention speeches and presidential debates, along with other miscellaneous speeches leading up to the election. This is a brilliant idea. It’s too bad Audible’s marketing department ruined all brilliance with this pathetic, partisan ad.

I’m going to contact them to get an explanation, to determine if they created any “George W. Bush is an idiot” ads. If they did, I’ll express my anger at the stupidity of targeting ads to audiences allegedly predisposed to the partisan sentiment expressed when the underlying product is meant to give the full political spectrum of information. If the Kerry ad is the only version, I’ll express my anger and cancel my subscription.

I’m already rethinking my plan. I’ll still contact Audible to express my anger, but I will cancel my subscription regardless of the answer. This is unacceptable. I don’t know if I’d feel the same way if the only ad was the “George W. Bush is an idiot” version, but I only have the information at hand, which mocks the candidate I support. I hope I’d feel the same way if the reverse had been true. I suspect I’d disagree with the marketing plan but wouldn’t be as upset about the sentiment since it matches my own. That doesn’t make it smart.

Businesses have the right to support any candidate they wish, but with that, the executives run the risk of alienating customers based on personal preference. Unless the business is privately held, the executives need to be certain that the shareholders are willing to take this risk. I’d love it if Audible.com would make the audio of the marketing meeting where this plan was hatched. That would be a brilliant tool for every college marketing class.

This ad is a perfect example of why it’s better for people who run businesses to use their own money to push their agenda. If they show me, the customer, that they’ll use my money to support something I abhor, I’ll take my money elsewhere. Welcome to the real world, Audible.

Beam me up, Howie.

Stern.jpgI’ve mentioned once or twice that I don’t like our government’s irrational and (unconstitutional) assault on free speech. I’m not going to debate that now because there’s no new information on that front, but I have to re-examine my beliefs. I was wrong about the entire debate. The last nine months have been wonderful and useful and beneficial, so I have a few thank you’s to offer.

First, to the people who complained to the FCC about Janet Jackson’s Super Bowl halftime debacle, I say thank you. You got the ball rolling while people like me were too busy watching another channel to even know that a breast had been flashed. Nice work!

Second, to the tight-panted bureaucrats at the FCC, I say thank you. You ran like lunatics once the fine, offended citizens of the United States gave you the ball. You threatened censorship. Righteous!

Third, to President George W. Bush, I haven’t said this before to you, but I thank you for your outstanding service to the nation. Without your overbearing hand pressing down further on the censorship machine, we might have artists criminals slinging curse words and flashing naked genitals on the radio and the TV. Kick ass hiney!

Why am I making such a bizarre turn-around on my previous opinions? The witch hunt was worth it. All of the sternly-worded, paternalistic slaps on the wrist for our moral depravity will pay off in a better society. If my beliefs had been embraced, we’d be at a status-quo, but they weren’t, so we’re not. Inspired by this re-interpretation of freedom, Howard Stern is moving to Sirius satellite radio in January 2006.

Before anyone gets the wrong impression about me and thinks that I’m excited because that means we’ll hear coarse language and sexual innuendo, that’s not why I’m excited. Ok, it makes me do a little dance of joy, but that’s not the point. I’m excited because our censorship-obsessed political climate is going to make me a lot of money. I bought many, many shares of Sirius in early 2003 and stuck them in the back of my investment vault. That decision is paying off today. Without the FCC witch hunt of the last nine months, Howard Stern’s move to Sirius would’ve been improbable at best.

I’ll do my part for the economy when I buy a beach house with my profits. (Insert super-cool slick thumbs up gesture and sparkle from winking eye directed at Michael Powell…)

When will the revolutionary informercial air?

I received a response from an e-mail I sent to the company that owns my preferred domain name for my company. Consider:

Hello Tony,

Thank you for your inquiry.

[Domain Squatting company] is a new concept in premium domain names. We have over ten thousand premium .COM domains, all available for lease or purchase. These are some of the best domains available on the web, and many are worth thousands or even tens of thousands of dollars.

Our goal is to make these premium domains available to everyone. Because we make the actual investment in the domain, we have the flexibility to offer a pricing plan with the most efficient price points, and the most flexibility.

Each of our domains is available to be leased or purchased with the following options:

For Domain Names consisting of 8 or more characters (not counting the .COM):
1. Monthly Lease for $9.95 per month
2. Annual Lease for $99 per year
3. Purchase for $495.00

For Domain Names consisting of 7 or less characters (not counting the .COM):
1. Monthly Lease for $19.95 per month
2. Annual Lease for $195 per year
3. Purchase for $995.00

If you are interested in leasing or purchasing one or more of our premium domains, please send us an email and let us know which ones. We will then email you a link that will take you to a customized checkout page.

Best Regards,
[Domain Squatter]
[Domain Squatting company]

Domain squatting is not a new concept; it’s been happening since the Web became The Next Big Thing. And yet, it hasn’t gotten any less despicable.

There is no “actual investment” involved with this company. I’m guessing they pay some college kid $8 an hour to search for available domain names that contain “key” words. That college kid gives the company a list and [Domain Squatting company] registers the list in bulk, probably paying a few bucks for each name. Assuming $4, with more than ten thousand domain names, that’s a $40,000 “investment” for this new concept. I will concede that to be a large sum for an initial start-up cost, but if they sold them all, their revenue would be between $5 and $10 million, a tidy profit.

They won’t sell them all (I’ve seen the list and most of the names are not “premium”), so I’ll be conservative in the rest of my estimate. To make an easy number, I’ll put $10,000 in overhead for the year, giving a nice round $50k for costs. To break even, assuming a nearly even-split between the categories, [Domain Squatting company] will need to sell 67 premium domain names.

There might be 67 names on that list worth using, names that might generate revenue to justify an expense beyond the normal cost of domain registration. [Domain Squatting company]’s business model is good because it has a low sales threshold to achieve success, assuming their prospective consumers are willing. But a “new concept”? No, a new concept would’ve been a methodology to determine which 67 will sell and then only buying those.

They’ll have to find 67 other suckers.

The world is a conspiracy

The most logical domain name choice for for my new company was registered by someone else, two days after I incorporated. It would be acceptable if someone with an interesting idea purchased it. You know, like a woman who will be famous and I can ride on her coattails like a monkey strapped to a rocket. But no, my preferred domain name was purchased by a company looking to extort money by holding it for ransom. Scumbags.

The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

Verizon is a dinosaur in need of extinction.

Back in February, I was peeved at Sprint PCS for a bad policy that cost me money, so I switched. Figuring the service would be good, I decided on Verizon. After three days, realizing that it wasn’t, I canceled my service and returned to Sprint. I had no idea what a challenge this would cause.

Shortly after I returned to Sprint, I received a “final” bill from Verizon. Besides the extra time I’d used beyond the rationed minutes I received, the bill included a $175 termination fee. I called Verizon to inform them that they needed to remove this because I’d had their service for three days, well under the 15 day limit to cancel. The representatives I spoke with agreed and said it would be removed. I agreed to pay the legitimate balance once I received a revised bill, adding a caveat that I wouldn’t pay late fees because this was their mistake. They agreed.

Thirty days later, I received my revised bill. Amusingly, the amount due was the exact same value from the first bill. Another call was necessary, so I wasted time to correct their mistake. Again. The supervisor informed me that the representative noted the incorrect termination fee but failed to initiate the request to remove it from my account. No big deal. The supervisor and I agreed that the deal from thirty days earlier would carry forward for another month.

In April, guess what happened. Another bill arrived, with the same mistake repeated. Again I called Verizon. The representative I spoke with, Angela, acknowledged that the previous request had gone through, but that it would take 1 or 2 billing cycles.

I told her I understood, but only after I confirmed that my previous agreement was noted in my account. She said yes, that I didn’t have to pay until I received my revised bill. Once again, I confirmed that no late fees would apply to my account. She said yes.

Sooooooooooo… This month, I didn’t receive a bill. I received a letter that Verizon disconnected my cellular service for nonpayment. I laughed and set the letter aside for a few days. Last night, I called to clear up the matter. Forty-five minutes later, I knew the truth about Verizon. Verizon hates its customers.

The $175 termination fee was gone, but two $5 late fees were added. The financial account representative explained that the late fees were added because Verizon hasn’t received payment from me. Duh. This started a vicious cycle, from which we never escaped.

I explained the last three months, which was useless because I gave the facts and spoke them intelligently. After much verbal sparring, the representative asked if he’d resolved my issue.

“Nope.”

We repeated this cycle several more times. In the course of this waste of time, he informed me that the representatives I’d spoken with over the previous two months indicated in the notes to my account that I was told that my bill would include late fees. This is a lie.

Allow me to repeat that: two representatives of Verizon blatantly lied on my account. I made the obvious argument that I couldn’t prove they were lying, until I came upon the wonderful strategy of tangling them in their inaccuracies. I commented that I had a piece of paper indicating that my account was terminated for nonpayment. That is an obvious fabrication, since I have Sprint bills confirming that I’ve had Sprint service with my number since February 11th. Verizon’s response: I should “disregard that notice”.

How convenient. When the data represents their position, ignoring the difference between data and facts, it counts. When it contradicts their position, I should disregard the information. Somehow I missed the lesson in business school that instructed me to abuse customers by patronizing them, lying on their accounts, and stealing their money whenever possible.

That explains why a customer is charged a $175 termination fee, regardless of how long they had service before canceling. Being a computer programmer, I know how simple it is to code software to prevent incorrect termination fees. The pseudo code would look something like this:

If (Termination Date – Activation Date) <= 15 Then
Termination Fee = 0
Else
Termination Fee = 175
End-if

That code would take approximately 4 nanoseconds to process each time an account is closed. But that didn’t happen. There are inevitably customers who don’t understand how the termination fee works and will pay it. They may mutter and curse the outrageous cost, but they’ll pay it. Verizon earns an easy $175. That’s the only explanation I can believe, given everything else I’ve learned about them from our conversations.

I now understand this to be Verizon’s reality. Searching the Verizon website, I was amused when I found this speech. From Bob Stott, New England Region President for Verizon had a few interesting customer service ideas:

For example, a customer service representative might find that by entering customer information into the company’s billing system in a certain way allows for a quicker transaction and more accurate information on the customer’s bill.

“A certain way”, indeed, Mr. Stott. But I don’t want that to overshadow this nugget:

We are dedicated to first call resolution. That means when one of our customers calls with an issue it becomes our issue and we aim to satisfy the customer in that same call.

Forty-five minutes into my 4th call to Verizon, I knew I wouldn’t get fair treatment, so I decided that I was done. Based on the termination for nonpayment letter and the honesty angle, I knew I’d won. The representative knew I’d won. That was enough for the call. Besides, I was hungry.

I’m going to pay the bill when it arrives, including the late fees. Even though I’m right, I’m not stupid enough to wreck my credit rating for this. However, Verizon will never receive another penny from me. I hope that’s worth $10.

Looking out for the customer

Here at RollingDoughnut.com, I take great pride in being open 24 hours-a-day. It’s a great service I provide, because I’m nice that way. But it’s made possible by the Internet. The Internet rules.

Despite my generosity, I don’t follow the 24 hours-a-day policy. As much as I’d like to bill clients for 24 hours each day, they wouldn’t like it. Besides… it would be highly unprofessional to sleep at my desk. So, out of my sense of decency, I work 8 hours per day, Monday thru Friday, totaling the standard 40 hours per week.

Since it’s not a brilliant selling point, I leave my work hours out of my marketing literature. I don’t even post my hours anywhere. I have no storefront, no office building, no anything. I could post a sign in the grass, I guess, but that would be littering.

What’s the point of this? It’s ok, I know you’re asking yourself that very question right now. Allow me to continue.

As a busy person, like most people, I like the arrival of weekends, since I can relax a little. No early bedtime. No work preparation. No worries. It’s great to have a change of pace. The best part is, since it’s not a “school night”, some businesses keep different hours on Friday and Saturday than the rest of the week. Specifically, restaurants keep different hours. For the working man.

This past weekend, wanting to revel in sleeping late on Saturday, Danielle and I got a late dinner at Chicken Out. I was so overjoyed at their hours of operation, I took a picture of the door:

Brilliant! I can’t believe I didn’t think of it! On Friday and Saturday, let’s get a little crazy and close at 9 PM instead of 9:00 PM. As a service to all the night owls! Wowwee!

New policy in effect for my business, effective this week: Monday – Thursday, I go home at 5:30 PM, but on Fridays, I’m not outta here until Threeve O’Clock. You’re welcome.