Does he get food stamps, too?

From The Washington Post:

Baltimore Orioles owner Peter Angelos acknowledged publicly today that he is willing to strike a deal with Major League Baseball to allow the Montreal Expos to move to Washington if certain conditions are met.

“Those conditions are the preservation of the franchise, the protection of the asset and the safety of the revenue stream,” Angelos said this morning. “If those ingredients are present, an agreement can be struck.”

How does he intend to accomplish this, we might ask. A logical question. Will it be through the incompetent iron fist with which he’s run the Orioles for more than a decade? What about protecting the asset? Wearing that Orioles uniform is enough, I guess, since Angelos doesn’t seem to bother with who is wearing that uniform. Will it be by signing Barry Bonds, as Orioles fans amusingly seem to propose every off-season? And the safety of the revenue stream? That sounds a lot like the crazy folks who believe the Federal Government can’t decrease taxes because then it won’t generate enough revenue to cover expenses. Operating a business isn’t only about the revenue side of the income statement. Incurring costs in a prudent manner also makes sense. I assume the Orioles are a business, which means that it’s not entitled to a minimum revenue stream from the residents of Washington (and Baltimore).

The solution is simple: put a good team on the field, with a good atmosphere and reward fan loyalty with a commitment to winning from ownership/management. What a concept… (Are you listening, Dan Snyder?)

That’s too easy a solution, of course. Consider the likely outcome:

Major League Baseball President Robert A. DuPuy is scheduled to meet with Angelos today to resume discussions on financial compensation for the Orioles. DuPuy and Angelos, who met for several hours on Friday, are expected to discuss a regional sports network that would televise both the Orioles and the Washington team’s games and be owned by both franchises. Under the proposed discussions, the Orioles would receive the greater share of revenue, according to baseball sources familiar with the proposed package.

Baseball also is believed to be proposing that it will guarantee the amount of annual revenue that the Orioles earn, as well as the team’s value, according to two sources familiar with the talks. Under the proposal, Major League Baseball would make up any shortfall if the Orioles’ annual revenue falls below an agreed upon threshold, according to sources.

There’s a term for this: greenmail. We don’t look fondly upon the corporate thieves who mastered the art in the 80’s, so why should Major League Baseball encourage it now? The worst part of this debacle is that it encourages Peter Angelos to continue his Napolean complex, feeling like he runs the most important franchise in the most important city and that fans should feel honored to have the privilege of rooting for the Orioles. (Are you listening, Dan Snyder? You have the first two, but you need some serious reflection on the privilege thing. Your equation is reversed.)

Those of us in the D.C. area know that we’re not Baltimore residents. We want and deserve our own team. (I liberally use the term “we” and “our” when I mean to imply that I want the Expos to move to D.C. so that the Phillies will play here 9 or 10 times every summer. But I’ll still go see the Expos Senators because Scott Rolen will come here, even though the right team traded him away like a moron ripping up the winning lottery ticket because it was only $35 million instead of $75 million. Not that I’m still bitter or anything foolish like that.)

Since this seems like an inevitability now, I’ll close with the obvious: for those of you who support one of the other 28 teams in Major League Baseball, enjoy paying your corporate welfare higher ticket prices because your team’s owner is about to bow down before a bully. It probably won’t matter to fans of the Evil Empire&#153 New York Yankees, but it might to the fans in Cincinnati and St. Louis, where baseball is more religion than business. I’m just saying…

I’m stuck in the sand; give me the wedge.

From The New York Times:

The Republican Party acknowledged yesterday sending mass mailings to residents of two states warning that “liberals” seek to ban the Bible. It said the mailings were part of its effort to mobilize religious voters for President Bush.

The mailings include images of the Bible labeled “banned” and of a gay marriage proposal labeled “allowed.” A mailing to Arkansas residents warns: “This will be Arkansas if you don’t vote.” A similar mailing was sent to West Virginians.

Here’s the Republican National Party’s explanation:

In an e-mail message, Christine Iverson, a spokeswoman for the Republican National Committee, confirmed that the party had sent the mailings.

“When the Massachusetts Supreme Court sanctioned same-sex marriage and people in other states realized they could be compelled to recognize those laws, same-sex marriage became an issue,” Ms. Iverson said. “These same activist judges also want to remove the words ‘under God’ from the Pledge of Allegiance.”

I definitely read the “We made a judgment error, we shouldn’t have sent that” in her statement. But, really, we all need to run for the hills and thank God that the Republicans are looking out for us. Consider Ake Green:

Conservative Christian political commentators often cite the case of Ake Green, a minister in Sweden who was jailed in June for a month for a sermon denouncing gays as sinful.

Not possible here? Think again. We have experts in America who can offer definitive proof that we’re in grave danger:

But Richard Land, president of the Ethics and Religious Liberty Commission of the Southern Baptist Convention, argued, “We have the First Amendment in this country which should protect churches, but there is no question that this is where some people want to go, that reading from the Bible could be hate speech.”

Some people want polygamy to be acceptable in America but we’re not about to embrace that. The First Amendment he speaks so proudly of also holds the same rights for people who don’t go to church and who don’t believe that gay people are bad. Just a thought.

As for Mr. Land, he does offer this:

Still, Mr. Land questioned the assertion that Democrats might ban the whole Bible. “I wouldn’t say it,” he said. “I would think that is probably stretching it a bit far.”

Reassuring.

In this mailing, the Republican National Committee sends the “Compassionate Conservative” family value message that it’s ok to lie as long as it’s about “them liberals and queers and commies and faggots and activist judges”. And fear? Yep, that’s a good family value, too. We have to protect ourselves from them.

What outcry would we hear if Democrats mailed something like this? But President Bush didn’t send this, so he’s clean, right? Plausible deniability. Wait, let it have its effect, then denounce it by saying you had nothing to do with it and didn’t know about it and find it diabolical. Sorta like the anti-Kerry Swift Boat commercials, no? Pitiful.

I bet CIA was the information source indicating that liberals want to ban the Bible. No wonder the Republicans were so determined to believe it and act on it.

Two Beats and A Push

With all these buttons, there's only one worth pushing.With the recent proliferation of poker blogs, it’s become chic to write about card playing exploits. I’m not too worried that it would be boring, but I don’t want to get into the minutiae of how I played different hands of cards. Right now, that feels like a tedious exercise in writing. I want to discuss experience rather than do a travelogue through different hands of cards.

I mention this because Danielle and I went to Buffalo last weekend, ostensibly to visit her parents for their anniversary and to go to a Blue Jays game in Toronto. The real reason was different. We had to gamble.

We played some cards, we threw down some money, most of us walked away with more than we began with, and we had a grand time. Even me, the big loser who left Casino Niagara down five Canadian dollars (approx. 38 cents American). I could delve into details about this hand or that hand, but that’s not necessary. My adventure is summed neatly into a three-hand stretch of Blackjack. I pulled a 20, a 19, and 20. I lost the first two hands and pushed on the third. That was my luck for the night. Two beats and a push.

The more interesting adventure for the evening, among too many tender adventures to recount, was me and my identification. Somehow, despite my 31 years, people assume I’m lying about my age, trying to sneak in to casinos and bars and R-rated movies. Ignore my driver’s license, credit cards, and passport, they’re right to card me. I’m faking it because I’m really a 12-year-old boy.

After we ate dinner, I walked to the security guard at Niagara Fallsview Casino Resort, knowing that this wouldn’t be as easy as it should be. Looking back at my first college ID, I know what an 18-year-old me looks like. I do not look 18 anymore. (Remember, this is Canada. The legal age is 19.) Yet, a determined security guard will be a star, even when a preponderance of evidence disproves him.

As he scanned my passport, I knew I was in trouble. He gave the picture and date his best hairy eyeball, knowing that it had to be a fake. Hoping to avoid prolonging this nonsense longer, I offered that I have my driver’s license. Miraculously, the information matches on both. A shocking revelation, I realize, but I’m smart. He can’t trip me up. Except he does because he asks me to sign a piece of paper. There are no words on this paper, just two columns of boxes. As I sign it, I realize he’s going to verify my signature against my passport. I know I’m fucked because my signature has changed evolved in the last six years. I envision not being let in and having to sit in the lobby while everyone else gambles the night away. Bastards.

“Can I see that driver’s license,” he asks. I don’t say that I offered it minutes ago as I hand it over. Because I’m frustrated, I don’t think to point out that all of the credit cards in my wallet have the same “new and improved” signature. I wait for him to understand his mistake and offer an apology. Hell, even a smile would suffice. I get the Blue Light Scan of Scrutiny&#153 instead. He sticks my license under the scanner that somehow registers its authenticity. It passes. Isn’t technology sweet?

He unhooks the security rope that stands between me and Blackjack. His look says “I know you’re lying about your age but I can’t prove it. Know that I’m on to you.” I don’t hate him as I walk past, though I do wish he was smarter. Meanwhile, my IDENTICAL TWIN BROTHER is standing at the casino entrance, waiting for me because he skated through his security checkpoint with barely a glance. Damnit!

We don’t drop a single loonie on a table at Fallsview, but we are there long enough to see a very drunk guy win $2,500 at a slot machine. As the attendant paid out his winnings, he showed her a picture of his grandchildren and told her that they were “going to get new suits”. We can’t find a good table so we drive to Casino Niagara, which turned out to be a prosperous and fun move.

Going into Casino Niagara, I plan for the inevitable, but I start with my driver’s license instead of my passport. My brother and Danielle are in front of me, so I assume I should have no problem once he passes through. When I get to the front, the security guard verifies my driver’s license in the Blue Light Scan of Scrutiny&#153, but I give her some slack and assume it’s because my license is from Virginia, not the more common New York that they see. I ignore the obvious argument that my brother just went through with the same birth date and Danielle has just walked through unscathed with a Virginia license that didn’t require the Blue Light Scan of Scrutiny&#153. Details.

Since it was Saturday night, the minimum bet for each table was going up. We’d hoped to find a $10 table, knowing the $5 was too much to expect. There was one $10 table left on the non-smoking floor, but it was full. Even if spots had opened, it was full of people who didn’t know how to play so we wouldn’t have sat down. Since we wanted to gamble, we had to play a $15 table. We found one with three open seats, so my brother, me, and my friend sit down in seats 3, 5, and 6, respectively. I put my money on the table. Before Derek, our dealer, takes the money, he asks for my ID. Instantly, I think I should get annoyed, but I discover that I’m not. Maybe it’s because I know the coming experience won’t be as fun if I anger the dealer before I’ve seen a card, but I don’t believe that’s it; it’s exhaustion from the little game that casinos play with me. Three-and-a-half hours later, I got up from the table having had the most fun I’ve ever had while gambling.

Having been held to excessive scrutiny twice and getting through a normal check once, I learned something valuable: despite appearing 12-years-old to anyone looking to proof me, I’m an excellent document forger. I always pass the Blue Light Scan of Scrutiny&#153 when checked, but the adventure is the same.

Like I said, my luck was two beats and a push.

I’m not the Hormone Qwik-E-Mart

More interesting individuals have discovered RollingDoughnut.com through “curious” Google searches. Who knew that Google returns RollingDoughnut.com as a hit for “I need testosterone”. I don’t know why that is because I can’t recall writing about testosterone, but I apparently did. Since it might be relevant, I’ll take a moment to research the archives.

Here you go… The title of the entry is You’ll need testosterone to understand. In its entirety, the text is simple:

Spending $200 for shoes is absurd, but $200 for a phone is a bargain.

I love gadgets, both electronic and low-tech. Because I’m a man and men have testosterone. And testosterone makes men undertake Butch&#153 tasks like football and demolition derby and anything involving power tools and destruction. I’ve gleefully participated in all of those activities at some point. We won’t even discuss the pointy, metal ninja star I made in shop class in middle school. What the hell was I thinking? Where would I use that? But I needed it. NEEDED it.

With all of that, it’s safe to assume that I have testosterone. But to all you who show up here at RollingDoughnut.com through Google searches for “I need testosterone”, know this: I own Joe McIntyre cds, I’ve seen every episode of Queer As Folk, and I’ve been to a Miss America pageant. I need all the testosterone I have. Go visit someone who might have some to spare.

My ox is broken

CBS thinks we’re all stupid. The Amazing Race 5 ends next Tuesday, September 21st. To my surprised delight, I’d recently discovered that The Amazing Race 6 was scheduled to start next Saturday, September 25th. Unbeknownst to me, in the time since that went to press in fall TV preview issues of magazines, the start date had been moved to Oct. 2nd. That’s only a week, so I could survive that. Unfortunately, CBS decided that we viewers can’t adjust to seasons ending and beginning so close together. The Amazing Race 6 will now start in “late October or early November”.

“We’ve seen (evidence) that it really helps to put a little space between one version and the next,” [CBS senior exec VP Kelly Kahl] said. “We want to let the audience breathe a little before we bring the show back.”

Why does CBS hate The Amazing Race? It won an Emmy last year for best reality series and the fans had to fight to convince CBS to film another season. It’s up for another emmy this year. It’s the highest-rated original series on television right now. It’s a home run. But CBS doesn’t get it. I don’t need a breather. I need a 24-hour The Amazing Race channel. Seriously, people, competitive travel. Need I say more?

The biggest potential disaster from this is obvious. If Colin and Christie win, I will be a bitter, bitter man for the next 6+ weeks. Bitter, I say!

Pride for the low, low price of $0

Today’s news that Yahoo is buying MusicMatch is amuses me. I’d slowly begun moving away from MusicMatch because v8.2 and up is like the old Netscape browser. It’s bigger than it needs to be, including every possible feature a user might need, as though it’s supposed to be an operating system. So it’s as slow as a slug crawling through molasses. When the software isn’t locking up my PC. I might be willing to give Yahoo a chance to get the software into shape, but I still haven’t gotten the $5 back that they stole from me last September, so they can go fuck themselves. Hello, iTunes.

Not that I hold a grudge or anything childish like that…

Speaking of holding a grudge against the evil fascist empire that is Yahoo, I’ve switched my e-mail to Gmail, Google’s new free e-mail service that offers 1 GB of storage space. It’s not Yahoo, so it’s a winner. The ease of use within Gmail’s interface kicks Yahoo’s ass, so that’s a nice bonus.

Now for the shameless hucksterism… (is that a word, hucksterism?)

To get Gmail, you have to be invited. I got my invite a few months ago and now have 5 invites to give out. I don’t wish to imply that I’m special for having 5 invites. I’ll go all the way and say I’m unspecial because anyone with an account now has invites to give out and I STILL have 5 invites to give away. I’m so lame. So, anyone who wants a Gmail account, leave me a comment with your e-mail address included and I’ll invite you. (I’ll delete your e-mail address from my comments once I invite you, in case you don’t want it there.)

Those 5 invites are mocking me. Don’t make me extra lame by having to beg someone else. Please.

Fun with Google

To the kind folks who click to RollingDoughnut.com from Google, I say thank you. I don’t know what year the Nabisco rainbow chip cookies came out. I don’t know JC Chasez’s address. I don’t know if Clay Aiken is respected by other celebrities. I don’t even know how to compare NFL quarterbacks using linear regression.

Yet, I do have answers for a few of your questions. I know that England is better than America. I know how to grade on a curve, despite not proving it with an entry on RollingDoughnut.com. (Ignoring the huge demand, I will not be write to explain how it’s done.) I even know what a Hokie is, which will surprise no one.

Most surprisingly, I’ve learned from you crazy people. Thanks to you, I now know that Kurt Nilsen is playing one date in the United States. He’ll be at The Birchmere on December 2nd. Danielle and I will be there. I suggest everyone do the same.

For entertaining and informing me, I thank all of you who use Google. But before you get too proud of yourselves, I love that people like you who I’ve never thought about can stumble upon my site and find that I’ve unknowningly mocked everything you hold sacred. God bless Google.

I read all of my blog comments

In response to my earlier post…

I imagine that Coach Gibbs is a staunch conservative, but I’m ok with that. This November, there will be no hanging chad when Coach Gibbs uses one of his 3 Super Bowl rings to punch out George W. Bush’s name on his ballot.

And I do care about the Jags winning. Not because I care so much about the Jags, but because Ernest Wilford caught the game-winning touchdown. Wilford is a Hokie, so I’ll be rooting for the Jags this year.

Hail to the Redskins

Version 2.0 of the Joe Gibbs era is underway. Consider this from an article in The Washington Post:

He is trying to motivate his players by rallying them around the notion that Washington was once a great franchise and that by emulating former Redskins stars this year’s team can have similar success. Barely a day goes by that Gibbs does not remind them of the greatness that once defined the franchise, of the honor they should feel wearing a Redskins uniform, of the uncommon bond between the team and its passionate fans.

That’s why Joe Gibbs is important to the Redskins. He brings the history and respect back to the franchise. We had some of that as a holdover when he retired after the 1992 season, but it dissipated soon after Norv Turner arrived in 1994. Coach Gibbs commands respect and will restore that (has restored it already) as it deserves. Consider:

“A true Redskin is a dedicated player,” cornerback Fred Smoot said, “a guy who is there all the time, everyday, a professional. We’re talking about a true athlete; you’ve got some athletes and then you’ve got a pure professional who you don’t have to worry about them. Hell, they can run the whole defense themselves because they know so much about what’s going on. Being a Redskin is being accountable for everything you’re doing, being a leader, speaking up for what you believe in and being yourself.

“We’re restoring it, man, because it’s a privilege to be a Redskin.”

It’s a huge privilege to play for the Redskins. I love the Redskins and I’m glad to see that there is a core of guys that understand that. It’s only going to get better under Coach Gibbs.

I’m not going to get overly optimistic since it’s still only week 1. Even in victory we made some mistakes that can’t continue, but this team looks solid. A balanced game plan, well-executed fundamentals, and an intensity that had been lacking for a decade are a trio of accomplishments that have Joe Gibbs’s signature stamped squarely on them. And the Clinton Portis adventure? The first time he touched the football, he scored a 64-yard touchdown.

God I wish I was in that game!

Be a donkey, not a jackass

Dear Senator Kerry:

Stop being a terrible candidate.

I know you want to defeat President Bush in November. I understand that you have a “base” to pander to in your speeches. I realize that it’s hard to sound different from President Bush on foreign policy issues. For the months leading up to the Democratic National Convention, you pretended as though you weren’t running for president. That makes some sense because the facts are out there and seem indefensible to me, but you should’ve spoken out sooner. Unfortunately, I now know why you haven’t spoken out earlier. You’re a bad candidate who doesn’t understand the concept of espousing one message and pounding it into the electorate.

Allow me to highlight your latest blunder, as reported in this USAToday.com story:

“George W. Bush’s wrong choices have led America in the wrong direction on Iraq and left America without the resources we need here at home,” the presidential candidate said. “The cost of the president’s go-it-alone policy in Iraq is now $200 billion and counting.”

Kerry said the “hard reality” is that Bush’s choices have led to “spreading violence, growing extremism, havens for terrorists that weren’t there before.”

“I call this course a catastrophic choice that has cost us $200 billion because we went it alone, and we’ve paid an even more unbearable price in young American lives.”

President Bush is a bad diplomat, a bad strategist, and a bad leader. Got it. Hammer that point over and over again. It’s that simple. But you can’t stop there. A little taste of “I’m John Kerry and I’m reporting for duty” theatrics and you’re ready to perform at will. Don’t do that because you keep putting your foot in your mouth. As evidence, I offer this:

“$200 billion for Iraq, but they tell us we can’t afford after-school programs for our children; $200 billion in Iraq, but they tell us we can’t afford health care for our veterans; $200 billion for Iraq, but they tell us we can’t afford to keep the 100,000 police officers we put on the street,” Kerry said.

“He doesn’t believe that America can be strong in the world while we also make progress here at home. He believes we have to choose one or the other. That’s a false choice, and I reject it.”

That’s simple-minded. There is a large, complex, grey area in most issues of this significance. Just because President Bush pretends that the world operates like a black-and-white, wholesome 1950’s sitcom and, even then, usually only sees one of those two colors, you are free to analyze a little deeper. From your statement, you seem to imply that we can choose both with equal commitment. That’s old ideological Democratic nonsense. Lyndon Johnson tried it in the 1960’s and it failed miserably. You’ve referred to Iraq as a Vietnam-style quagmire, but do you really think you’ll be better able to manage a war and an expansive domestic agenda? President Johnson couldn’t do it. President Bush hasn’t been able to do it. How are you better?

The correct answer is “you’re not”. Fixing and finishing (finishing, not ending) President Bush’s foreign policy agenda is critical in the coming years. You deftly hit upon some of President Bush’s mistakes, but pretending like we can just walk away from those mistakes in the next four years is ludicrous. Neither you nor President Bush is approaching our foreign policy correctly. We are where we are. We need to understand that the war on terror isn’t going away. We need a coherent strategy for restoring order in Iraq. We need to demonstrate that the United States is willing to respect our diplomatic relationships and commitments. (I do not mean to imply that we mustn’t act alone if the situation calls for it, but we must eliminate our bully-mentality diplomacy.) We need to accept our mistakes, not as a sign of weakness, but as a sign that our leaders our human. We can’t adjust until we accept that there may be a better way.

America is a great nation. Whether you defeat President Bush or not will not change that. But to fix and improve what needs fixing and improving, you have to begin at the beginning. Make us certain that you know where the beginning is and that you grasp the magnitude of the task ahead. President Reagan used that strategy in 1980 and President Clinton used it in 1992. That focus inspires confidence in your potential. That confidence can make you a great candidate. With that, you might get to be president.

If that’s too much for you, at least stop being a bad candidate.

Thank you,
Tony