That’s why England is better than America

Robbie Williams. If I mention him to people, odds are good that I’ll get a blank stare. But if I say Jessica Simpson, even a 2-year-old will know who I’m talking about. Outrageous, if you please.

Why do I mention this? Because Jessica Simpson’s singing is proof that Satan exists. How else could she get a recording contract with so little talent? Because I didn’t care, this didn’t occur to me until I heard the singles for her new album. The first song was forgettable, since I can’t remember the title and can’t be bothered to look it up. I know the video had rampant hilarity as she poked fun at her “stupid” image, but it doesn’t matter. Her songs after that first single are the problem.

Her remake of “Take My Breath Away” annoyed me. Considering that Mrs. Lachey has none of the range of Terri Nunn, someone should’ve taken the microphone away from her when she hinted at singing that classic. I imagine the producer commanding her to “Emote. Emote. Emote!” during that recording session, but the important lesson that her fans need to learn is simple: screaming does not equal emotion. So I said “Ugh”.

That “ugh” was a minor whimper compared to the violent tantrum of obscenities I spewed when I heard single #3, the current release from her latest album. Not only has she botched an 80’s classic from my youth, she’s butchered a new 90’s classic from my early adulthood. She covered the brilliant Robbie Williams song “Angels“. When I write “covered”, I mean “tortured the life out of it“.

When will the madness end? When will the talented musicians be popular? Every parent who has purchased her new album for their kid(s) should be sent to remedial parenting classes as punishment. Allowing a child to believe that Jessica Simpson is talented because she made an album is equivalent to teaching a child that placing her hand in fire is good because it leaves a cool scar or that not stabbing himself while running with scissors is the entrance exam to Harvard. It’s a fucking travesty. I pray she never finds the lyrics to “Imagine”.

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