Cruising through K-Mart this weekend, cutting through the Foods I Refuse to Eat™ section to get to the DVDs, I spotted the Spam®. Having avoided Spam® for decades, I stopped to look as a reminder of all that should never be and all that, at least for me, will never be again. Searching for the label, I chuckled because it wasn’t easy to find. If I “concocted” Spam®, I wouldn’t want the ingredients readily known, either, so it was a knowing chuckle. Considering I’m not a crazy vegan who gets morally indignant when others eat meat, the Spam® fascination died quickly, only to be replaced by the undeniable reality that is Treet®.
What is Treet® and why does no one ever promote this in all its glory? With all that “Virginia Baked Ham Taste”, who could loathe such a glorious addition to the luncheon meat aisle? Consider this amazing product promotion from the wonderful folks at Armour:
A popular addition to the Armour Franchise – Premium Pork Luncheon meat uses 100% pork with seasonings for a great taste. Fully cooked, ready to eat – enjoy hot or cold. Try it in one of the great luncheon meat recipes.
Seriously, people, what is wrong with America? We’ve descended to the point where people will happily buy a can of squishy, congealed meat by-product bathed in fake seasonings to make the resulting glop assume the fake identity of a Virginia Baked Ham. It’s positioned next to the Vienna Sausages, so in a wink-wink-nudge-nudge way, I know what it’s supposed to be, but for the love of anything that is even minutely holy, people who buy and consume this should be smacked and force-fed frozen peas.
As an experiment, let’s pretend for a moment that I’m a child who eats meat. If my mother or father places Banana Treets in front of me as I watch morning cartoons, I’d rationalize that my parents don’t love me and would prefer that I quietly move out and live with trolls. I’d happily agree, but the move would have to wait until I finish heaving out my guts.
Before America’s food processors dump churned
horses pigs into nuclear war-proof product cans bound for discount store shelves, here’s a simple request: run spell check on the label.