I didn’t eat hot dogs from Wawa

This is all it takes to set a world record?

Suresh Joachim broke the Guinness world record for the longest time spent watching TV. He finished Friday with 69 hours and 48 minutes.

There are so many (lame) jokes inherent in that setup, but I’m not going after any of them. I just want to ask the very real question of how an individual remains awake for almost 70 hours straight and absorbs anything. Shouldn’t there be some criteria stronger than just “constantly looking at the screen”? Any fool can stay awake for 70 hours, but can he be coherent?

I went to Blacksburg to see the Hokies pound Ohio. After driving four hours Friday, staying out until 3:45 am, getting up at 7:30, standing in the sun for ten of the next fourteen hours, and finally driving another four hours home on Saturday evening, I understood a little about insufficient sleep. I assume Mr. Joachim did, too, but I jammed 70 hours of fun into 27. Fifteen miles from home on Saturday night, I had to pull over and let my brother drive because little men ran across the highway. I don’t mean that as an exaggeration, either. I hallucinated little men running across the highway, little men who weren’t there.

But at least I earned my hallucination by doing more than just sitting on my ass, watching beams of light bounce across a television screen. To you, Mr. Joachim, I say “Big whoop.” I saw little men. What did you see?