I sneeze in your general direction.

I wish to thank every member of Congress who voted to force products like Sudafed behind pharmacy counters. The meth epidemic was out of control before the new rules, as evidenced by the fourteen houses on my block that blew up every week due to busted methodology in cooking meth from cold pills. And holy hell, there is nothing more satisfying than feeling like death and finding out the Advil Cold & Sinus is behind the counter. Admittedly, I love paperwork, and I adore registering with the government the products I buy, but I couldn’t go through with the process. I was too tired. It’s probably for the best, because in my tired state, I might’ve blown up my house from the danger posed in opening the package and placing said tablets in my mouth. Pour water on top of them and explosion is inevitable. Thank you.

I made up the fact about the houses blowing up on my block. But if Congress can use imaginary facts, so can I. Asshats.